A rabbi, a minister and a priest are playing poker when the police raid the game. Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: “Father Murphy, were you gambling?”
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, “Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do.”
To the police officer, he then says, “No, officer, I was not gambling.”
The officer then asks the minister: “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?”
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, “No, officer, I was not gambling.” Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?” Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: “With whom?”
Have you heard about the new three million dollar West Virginia State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
A mean old lady taps the keeper of the zoo monkey house indignantly on the shoulder.
“Excuse me, sir, but those wretched animals of yours appear to be involved in shooting dice! I demand that you break up the game at once.”
“I’m sorry, ma’am,” the keeper of the monkey house says, “but I’m keeping them strictly within the law. They’re only playing for peanuts.”
Buckshot is a compulsive gambler, betting on anything and everything: horses, dogs, football, baseball, basketball, snooker and even soccer games. When Buckshot is down to his last dollar, he goes to his best friend and says, “Roy, I need $1,000. We have no food, I owe rent, the kids need jeans for school, and the wife won’t leave the house because we have bad checks at all the stores. Can you help me out?”
So his best buddy gives him $2,000 to get Buckshot back on his feet, but on one condition: that he does not use the money for gambling.
“Don’t worry,” Buckshot says. “I have money set aside for that.”
I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my buddy Matt. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had had the most bizarre dream the night before last. Matt listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted of one thing and one thing only. All I had dreamt about was a huge, glowing number “5.” It was made of gold and sparkled with diamonds.
Matt’s curiosity was piqued, so I told him that the first thing I’d done that morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the fifth race.
Matt raised an eyebrow. I told him that the #5 horse in the fifth race was named “The Fifth Element.” Matt couldn’t believe it.
Then I told Matt point-by-point what I had done that day:
-I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of coffee
-I went for a five mile jog to clear my head
-I took a five minute shower
-I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet
-I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up
-I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth spot in the fifth row
-I entered through the fifth admissions gate
-I bought five programs
-I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race
-I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there were five people sitting on either side of me.
I settled in and waited for the race to start.
“Well,” said Matt, getting excited. “Did the horse win?”
“No,” I said. “Stupid horse came in fifth.”